You Broke my Heart

Many of us shy away from a relationship with the Lord because we’ve had negative heart breaking experiences with religion, the church, or other believers. Some of these negative experiences occur at our most vulnerable moments in life, and because of them we walk away forever scarred. Declaring that we will never go to Church again. "I will never allow someone else to hurt me," we say. We believe in God, but have a hard time relating to the people that call themselves believers or Christians. We carry the pain in our hearts, and in our minds. We secretly desire for something more, but feel somehow unworthy of love. We may not understand our desire for more or longing to be fulfilled.

It is human to have a desire to be seen, recognized, and loved.

I’ve had moments in my life, in which I was in desperate need of love and belonging. Life’s challenges overwhelmed me. They broke me. I could not understand what was happening, or why a God that loved me, would allow me to suffer. I thought that by seeking forgiveness and accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, that would be the magic trick. The quick fix that would get me out of despair. When I did all these things, and still had the pain. I wondered, "what did I do wrong?" My brokenness led to further hurt and even anger directed at an almighty God that would not respond. "Why don’t you speak to me God? Why are you silent?", I asked. This was the darkest period of my life. One that would take me years to overcome. A friend or spiritual guide and counselor would have been appreciated.

During this time, I sought the church. I saw it as a sanctuary of safety that would be key to my spiritual and mental rehabilitation. I grew up in the church so I knew of God, but never understood what it meant to have a relationship with him. I was familiar with church culture, language, and routines. The familiarity of this alone brought me a sense of comfort. Yet it did not heal me, or lessen the pain of what I was experiencing. I found that those closest to me at Church, could not relate to where I was at. I received plenty of advice, and even prayer. But it stopped at the surface and was truly needed. Brothers and Sisters in Christ would give me scripture or sage old advice. “You have to give it all to God”, but as a Baby Christian or new believer, what did that even mean? How exactly do I give it to God? What does that look like? Will he even receive it? These were loving people, but at that moment it felt as though they had never experienced the same level of pain I had, or were so far along in their walk with the Lord that they forgot what the first steps were like. Maybe they just didn't know what to say.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt that the very people that were there to encourage, could not help me. It broke my heart, but it was a process that was necessary for me to grow in faith. To truly know what it is to have a relationship with God. I found him in this journey. He had been waiting, carefully observing my walk, my effort, my cries. He could hear me, he was talking to me, but I wasn’t at a place spiritually close enough to hear him. Through this experience, he’s put a special calling and purpose on my life. The mission is simple. I’m here to help you. To be your guide, friend, and mentor on your spiritual walk with the Lord. I am not a Pastor. I am simply someone that has a heart for God’s people, and has a responsibility to share what he’s learned.

Join me on this walk. Do not give up on the Lord, as he is waiting. II’ll be praying for you.